Crikey, What A Gem
by Gem Stoned
Summary: Two divas have a showdown, Jake loses his none existent morals, the Animorphs break up and Rachel gets married - what is a fanfiction writer to do?!


Rachel and Tobias clinked their champagne glasses together and smiled at each other lovingly

**Crikey, What a Gem!******

** **

_Chapter 1___

Rachel and Tobias clinked their champagne glasses together and smiled at each other lovingly. "I can't believe it's been five whole years!" Rachel sighed.

"I know. Time flies when you're having fun, huh?" Tobias smiled back.

Rachel gasped and stood up in her chair, "Is that a _ring in my champagne glass, Tobias? Oh my goodness! Yes, Tobias. I will marry you!" she cried pulling the gold ring out of her glass and putting it on her finger whilst pushing it everyone else in the restaurant's faces. "Oh my goodness, Tobias! I can't wait to tell __everyone!"_

"er… um…"

"You're speechless, aren't you? I understand absolutely! I would be speechless too! Oh my … that is a mighty fine rock!"

"um… er…"

A second later, the waitress came hobbling over to Rachel and Tobias' table, "Have you, like, seen my ring? I think I, like, dropped it in the…" she spotted the ring on Rachel's finger, "Ohmygawd! You, like, found it! Thanks a, like, LOT!" 

"Excuse you, _sister," Rachel snapped at the waitress, "This is __my ring, you'll just have to wait YOUR turn, OK?"_

"Um… Rachel? I think that's her ring," Tobias said.

Rachel looked from the ring to the waitress to Tobias, obviously astounded, "You mean … Tobias? All these years? I … hic… I thought you loved me! Now you've gone for this cheap low class … waitress?"

"Girlfriend, I maybe cheap. But I am NOT low class!" the waitress replied obviously insulted.

Rachel shot back, "Yeah, you're just tacky riffraff refuse."

The waitress looked a bit ruffled, "What does refuse mean?"

"Shut up!" Tobias yelled, "the both of you are acting like children!"

"Well, technically Tobias. I'm _still a child." Rachel replied._

"Oh yeah good point … just forget it! Can we JUST have our food, waitress!?!?!?"

"Only if she takes back calling me riffraff," The waitress replied.

"Rachel, take it back!"

"Hey, you said I'm just a child. Besides, she _is riffraff " Rachel said._

The waitress grabbed her ring off Rachel's finger and stormed into the kitchen yelling, "Two chicken legs for the blond bimbo and the dirty blond at table six!"

Rachel finally sat down (not noticing all of the customers at the restaurant had disappeared … mysteriously), "Did she just call you a bimbo?"

"I think so."

Tobias and Rachel ate in silence after that and weirdly enough all the customers returned. But then Rachel just _had to open her mouth again, "Tobias, you have to __choose!" she cried, "It's either me …_or the bird."

Tobias looked around the crowded restaurant, "Lower your voice, _Rachel." _

Rachel stood up ignoring Tobias' embarrassment, "You have to choose, Tobias! Do you love me … or the bird?"

Tobias looked at the table nervously, "Um … er …"

"Choose! Choose! Choose! Choose!" The crowd in the restaurant chanted.

Tobias went a fabulous red, "Well … I …"

"Damn, Tobias. Who do you love? Me or the bird?"

"_Raaaay-chel!" Tobias whispered._

"Don't Raaaaaaay-chel me, Tobias! It's either me, or the bird. OKAY!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Tobias finally burst. He stood up angrily and threw his fork and knife away, "You know what, Rachel? I CAN'T choose! Is that enough for you? You know I love you … but I _am the bird! Do you hear me? I AM the bird! I couldn't make you choose between that blond mop you like to call your hair and me, I wouldn't!" He stormed out of the restaurant angrily._

Rachel sat there dumbfounded, she looked around the restaurant and looked at the other people in the restaurant astoundedly, "I was only talking about the chicken legs. Sheesh, you'd think some people wouldn't be so persnickety." (Persnickety?) 

Later on in the evening, Rachel was about to switch on her brand new vibrator as she got into bed when she heard a scratching sound on her window, "That must be Tobias, come to apologize for the _scene he made in the restaurant!" she said to herself. She quickly hid her vibrator and tottered over to the window. She opened it and then gasped, "Oh my goodness… Visser Three! What are __you doing here?" she cried._

The Visser climbed through the window (how, I have no idea.) and stood in Rachel's bedroom, hands on hips, I just…

"Oh my goodness! Are you wearing fubus!? Oh my gawd, I always say it myself, 'If you're gonna exterminate someone, you'd better do it in style.'"

Don't worry, Rachel. I'm not here to obliterate you, let alone annihilate you. I'm just here to ask you a favor.

"Only if you let me wear your funky Adidas!" 

Well, it all starts from when I was a little Yeerky. We never …

"You're not going to tell me some really phonyly boring story about how you were never able to afford a proper education because your dad didn't have a job at the local Yeerk pool?"

Er … yes?

"And not forgetting the part about how you don't want the same for your own kids?"

Dang, you ARE good! Where did you learn all this stuff?

"Watching Oprah … and hanging out with Tobias."

Well, my story is _kind of close to that. But not quite … I was just informed by some really attitudy lady at the immigration department and she says … I can't… hic … stay on this planet! She's going to deport me! Boohoo! Good visas are __just so hard to find these days! The Visser broke down on his knees 'boohooing'._

Rachel was still staring at his all that Nike T-shirt, she was finally snapped out of her trance, "Wha … what did you say?"

Visser Three stood up, a bit ruffled by Rachel's none-existent attention paying ability, I _saaaaaa-id, the immigration department wants to DE-FREAKING-PORT me, Rachel!_

Rachel looked a bit confused for a few seconds there, "Defreakingport you … defreakport? Deport! Yes! They want to deport you!! Yes!"

You seem awfully happy about that, _Rachel. Visser Three said crossing his arms against his might I say, masculinely muscular chest (hey, who can blame me!)._

"No, not really! I'm just glad I found the answer. Besides, you are one of the most evil characters in the Animorphs series."

Good point.

"But anyway, what has you getting deported got to do with me?"

Hellooooo! I want you to marry me! So that I won't get deported … and might I say, you look pretty good in those Winnie The Pooh pajamas of yours!

Rachel would have answered, but she had passed out at his Filas. 

At the Animorphs Head Quarters (AKA the barn) Tobias, Jake, Cassie, Marco and Ax were visited by a very drunk … er, intoxicated Erek King. Erek apparently had a bit of important information for the Animorphs. Only, he couldn't remember what it was. 

"It's like … y'know? I don't know?" he had said.

"What?" Marco asked irritably, "You just woke us ALL up at two AM in the morning to tell us … you don't know?"

Erek replied, holding up his beer bottle, "Just give me a second… it's coming back to me… I've got it!"

" What? What?" Ax, Tobias, Jake, Cassie and Marco all asked.

"Whoops… I just forgot."

Cassie absolutely lost the last of her practically none-existent patience, she lashed out at Erek and held her dagger to his neck, "Look EH-REK! You are GOING to tell us what you woke us up at two AM for, OH-KAAAAAAY?" she yelled.

"Yes, ma'am." Erek said and nodded innocently.

"Wasn't that supposed to be Rachel's move?" Marco asked.

"What hypocritically moralistic girl's gotta do, a hypocritically moralistic girl's gotta do."

Erek looked like he was finally going to remember, "I remember! I remember!"

Cassie growled, "Just _tell us."_

"Apparently, the enemy is planning to make Barbie dolls out of celebrities to somehow fasten the invasion."

"That sounds easy enough," Jake said, "who are the celebrities?"

"Um … Cher, Madonna and Michael."

"Michael who? Jordan, Jackson, Johnson or Shumacher?"

"Wow, you really know your Michael's."

Jake smiled, "Well, I try."

Cassie widened her eyes in the direction of Erek, "Michael WHO, EREK?"

"I had a cousin called Michael Hue. What a coincidence."

"Just tell us Michael's surname … or else," Cassie said, holding up her knife.

"Sheesh! Woah Cassie! Calm down, girlfriend. I don't remember Michael's surname. I'm sorry, I only do one named people, dearie. Anyway, I have to go have a drink with Forlay. Ta taa!" Erek bowed down and walked out of the barn.

"Well this is just perfect, isn't it?" Marco said.

Cassie picked up her TV remote and switched on the TV in the barn (which wasn't there for the past 54 books, strangely enough), "On other news," the news castor said, "Cher, Madonna and Michael _Jackson are about to sign contracts to allow the Barbie doll making company 'Sharing Dolls' to produce Barbie dolls of them …"_

Marco slapped his forehead, "It's Michael _Jackson!__ I should have known … that's the only guy they'd ever make a Barbie of."_

"OK, so I guess we should start planning the attack," Jake said.

"Shhhhhhh!" Cassie hushed them, "The news castor isn't finished."

"… the signing is going to take place in Sydney, Australia. And in other news, slime bag cheat money grabbing author KA Applegate has just ended her cool series Animorphs, she claims …"

"Au-FREAKING-Stralia!" everyone cried.

Why does Gem Stoned put 'freaking' in every other word? Ax asked.

"How the hell are we going to get to Au-freaking-Stralia?" Marco asked.

Yeah, how ARE we going to get to Au-freaking-Stralia? Tobias replied.

"We're going to have to think of a plan to get to Au-freaking-Stralia," Jake said.

"Do you have any idea of how we're going to get to Au-freaking-Stralia?" Cassie asked.

"I don't know how we're going to get to Au-freaking-Stralia, do you?"

Suddenly Visser Three and Rachel appeared in the doorway of the barn, the Visser in a black tuxedo that was designed for his very er… different body, and Rachel wearing her dream dress: a pink frilly outfit that only Bjork and first ladies of the USA would wear (I'm not mentioning any names …).

"What the…?" Marco said.

"Yes, Marco, we're married!" Rachel said, pushing her big diamond rock in everyone's faces, "Now we're Mr. and Mrs. Ican'ttellyoumylastname!"

"Wait a minute, isn't that your surname, _Rachel?" asked Cassie._

"G2G, Cass. The whole feminist thing works, baybee! KnowhatImeen!!!!" Rachel and Cassie both burst into a hysterical laughter that no one could explain (not even me).

"Ohhhhhkaaaay … that was … weird." Marco said.

I know, they really mean it when they say women are from Venus and men are from Mars. Tobias said.

"Yeah and Rachel's from Pluto." Marco and Tobias both burst into an inexplicable laughter that was weirder than Rachel and Cassie's.

"Wait a minute…" Jake said, grabbing at his hair, "It's coming to me … it's coming to me … I've GOT IT! I have a plan!"

"Does it always happen this way?" Rachel whispered to Marco.

"Yeah, only it's always in his head." Marco and Rachel nodded sadly in Jake's direction.

"I'm not crazy, OK? I have a plan! Since Rachel and Visser Three are here, then maybe … Visser Three er … I mean Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname, would you mind if we borrowed your blade ship for a minute?"

Oh, sure! I'd love to, friends of Rachel are friends of mine. It's parked outside Cassie's house … I took Cassie's parents on a ride … to the Yeerk Pool.

"You infested my parents! You evil parasitic alien!" Cassie yelled swapping at the Visser with a rubber blue banana for no other reason than that it would be funny.

Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname looked into the direction of the readers (being you) and said, And they said the truth hurts. He chuckled.

"OK, guys. We're going to the land of Kangaroos, Survivor 2, Natalie Imbruglia and Britz. Yup, I know, all things ridiculous. Let's do it!" Jake said.

"Hey! That's my line … but since I'm married now, I guess I'll just have to lend it to you for a few days while we - rrrrrrrr -go for our _honeymoon!" Rachel said._

  


_Chapter 2___

  


On Visser Three's blade ship, the Animorphs were planning their next mission. Or rather, Jake was telling everyone what to do (I have no idea why everyone says 'they' plan it, not Jake).

"Okay, Marco - you acquire Madonna, Rachel?"

Rachel and Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname were cuddling in a corner.

"Rachel?" Jake repeated, "OK, we're getting nowhere with those two … Tobias, you're going Cher. And Cassie?"

"Yes?"

"Gem has absolutely no idea about what you should do so I'll just order you to have a cuppa."

"Well, if you insist."

"And I'm going to morph Michael Jackson. So, when we get to Australia - we spread out, find the celebs, acquire them, morph them and then pretend we don't want to sign the contracts. Easy enough, I suppose."

"Um, I don't want to burst anyone's bubble or anything, but hasn't anyone noticed we're in the same ship as our arch rival _Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname?" Cassie asked._

"Yeah, so?" Jake asked.

Cassie slapped her forehead, "Ugh! Males! If the Yeerks are the ones that are trying to make the dolls, then why on Earth would Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname be on this ship?"

"Oh my … AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMBBBBBBUUUUUUUUSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Marco, Jake and Tobias all yelled and started running around in circles trying to avoid tripping over Rachel and Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname who were doing _something on the floor._

Finally they stopped running in circles and continued what they were doing because they had forgotten what they were running about - male intelligence, I tell you -. "Hey, Marco, read any good books lately?" Jake asked Marco as he attempted landing the Visser's utterly complicated ship (that weirdly enough, if it was on TV it would be landed as though it was as easy as pie).

"Yeah, did you read number 54 of Animorphs? I can't believe Rachel died!" He said, then added as a sort of afterthought, "Did you ever wonder why there's a book series with characters who are exactly like us?"

"Yeah. But, KAA designed those characters so that we'd all be able to identify with the characters."

"Hmmmm," Marco agreed.

When the Visser's blade ship docked at the dock for evil alien's ships in Sydney Auzzzzztraaaaaalia, the customs officer came aboard the ship, "A-hoy-hoy, what ken I do fer you, mates?" he said.

"Um, we have nothing to declare. Where do I sign?" Jake said.

"Wait, me mate. Aren't yer fergetting something?" 

"And I thought Canadians had weird accents," Marco whispered to Rachel.

"I heard that, mate!" the customs officer yelled.

Pause.

"This is the part where you're supposed to run over to Marco, strangle him, chop his body parts and stuff them in your fridge and then burn down the house and throw his remaining body parts - say, the backbone, the liver and the heart - in a river." Rachel said helpfully, only to gain a very weird stare from everyone else, "What, you didn't know that?"

"Ohhhhhhkay," Jake said, then turned to the customs officer, "So where do I sign?"

"Mate, I think you're fergetting something." He said, then added significantly, "Mate."

He wants beer, Tobias said.

"How did you know that?" Rachel asked.

I have my sources.

"Mates, has anyone noticed that there's a bird talking to us?"

"Oy, what happened to your accent, mate?" Jake asked.

"I don't know, mate. You seem to be developing an accent, mate." The customs officer said.

"Yeah, mate." Jake agreed.

"I wonder why, mate."

"Probably hanging around with you, mate."

"Maybe, mate."

"Wanna go for a beer, mate?"

"Oh sure, mate. Let's go, mate."

"Sure, mate."

"OK, mate."

"Uh-huh, mate."

"Of course, mate."

"Will you 'mates' just go!!!!" Marco yelled.

"Sure, mate."

"Quit with the mate stuff, mate!" 

"Yes, mate. Good on yer, mate."

Marco slapped his forehead, "This is going to be a long day." he announced.

Jake and his new friend - Writz Written - finally left to go have some 'REAL BEER' as Writz had described it. 

"Ahead with the mission." Marco said dryly, "By the way, where's Ax?"

"I have no idea, Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname and him went for a walk in the direction of the Yeerk pool." Cassie said.

Pause.

"This is the part where someone is supposed to yell, 'He infested Ax! That slimy alien worm!'" Cassie demonstrated.

Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname popped his head into the ship, "Did anyone call?"

Our heroes - the Animorphs that is - finally reached the building where the signing was supposed to take place, a shabby little building with 'Sharing Dolls With The World' written above the door.

"Well this is it," Marco said to the remaining Animorphs (Cassie and Tobias), "It's time to go face to face with the enemy. Head to head with the bad guys. Attack the foe. You know."

No, I _don't know, Tobias said irritably._

"No need to get attitudy with me, buster." Marco said.

Cassie slapped her forehead - because it's cool, "We REALLY need Rachel right now to go, 'let's do it'. Don't we?"

"Let's just do it, will we?" Marco said and knocked on the door.

Pause.

He knocked again.

Pause.

"Don't Australians have ears?" Marco asked.

Don't say that, you're just being Xenophobiac or Xenophobiek? Or whatever! Basically, you're Aussie Hating. Said Tobias.

"Wiccccccccaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Someone yelled.

They all turned their heads to see and … a flashing blue light flew in the direction of the door. BAM! And the door crashed down.

"We could always try it the subtle way." Marco suggested sarcastically. 

What was that?

"Who cares? This is fanfiction, let's just forget it ever happened and enter the building, okay?" Cassie said. They stepped through the remains of the door and headed for the elevator, "Wait a minute, how do we know what floor the signing is taking place?"

"I don't know, I guess we'll just have to ask somebody." Marco said, and approached some guy, about early-to-mid late teens, shaggy brown hair and thin black wire-framed glasses, he was almost unnaturally lanky, in the words of Wheatus: your typical 'Teenage Dirtbag'.

"Hey, dude, do you know what floor the signing for Sharing Dolls is taking place?" Marco asked.

The 'guy' ignored Marco and walked over to Cassie, "Hey baby," he said suavely, "Mind if I rustle your crow?"

"If it isn't pick up line deja vu," Cassie muttered.

"If it isn't pick up line reply deja vu," Marco muttered.

Do you or DON'T you know which floor the signing is taking place?

"Second floor, second door to the left … why don't you guys go ahead, and me and you (he said winking at Cassie) can go have some funnnnnnn." The guy said, whilst making gesturing movements with his hands.

"You know what, you two? We have a mission to go on, you guys have fun." Marco said to Cassie and the guy.

"Noooooooo!" Was Cassie's muffled reply.

Marco stepped into the Elevator and Tobias flew in (cos it's cool), and they stood there for a few seconds until the elevator finally reached the second floor, they stepped - and flew - out of the elevator, "Second door to the left, right?" Marco asked.

No, second door to the left. Not the right. Tobias replied.

"That's what I said: second door to the left." Marco retorted. 

No, you said second door to the left right. 

"Oh, just forget it, and let's go ahead with the morphing."

But wait a minute, how are we gonna acquire Michael if there's only two of us? Tobias asked.

"Er …" Marco was about to say, but then the most ravishingly exquisite figure - in his opinion - came striding past him. Her blond mane swayed from side to side as her short but elegant body strode slowly but surely.

"Ohmygggggggaaaaaaaaawwwwwdddddd! It's Nala from the Lion King!" Marco cried as he ran over to ask for an autograph.

"Rrrrrrrroooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!" Nala replied courteously and Marco came running back.

"Guess she isn't what I always thought she was …"

Guess not. Tobias replied, So, when do we acquire the celebs? I'm going Madonna right, and you're Cher.

"Yeah right, Toh-BIAS. You're going Cher, and I'm Madonna."

I don't think so, Mark-Oh. You think I want to have one rib less than normal?

"OH yeah, that's why you wanna morph Madonna, so that you can sing 'Like A Viiiiiiiiiiirgin' all day and not have anyone give you weird stares?"

What and you don't believe in life after love?

"No, I don't, but weirdly enough I feel like going to Memphis. So stop reciting Cher lyrics and let's go acquire them."

Hey, don't tell me to stop. Tell the rain not to drop, tell the sun not to shine, not to get up this time no. No.

"OK, OK, I get the point! Let's just go acquire Madonna and Cher."

Only if you agree with me that it's amazing what a boy can do.

"Ughhh!!!!" Marco groaned, "Enough with the lyrics!!!"

Marco and Tobias waited undercover in the … ladies toilets. They waited for the time that eventually our favorite over forty pop singers would have to … you know what.

Finally, two people came into the bathroom. "Okay, now we acquire both of them." Marco mouthed to Tobias.

They both jumped out of their hiding places, acquired the two people - who's faces they hadn't seen - grabbed their clothes, dumped them in the toilets and went in front of the mirror to morph.

Once they had finished, Marco groaned, "Ohhhhnoooo! This isn't Madonna … it's Bette Midler!"

Tobias grabbed at his face, "Uh-oh. And I've got … Whitney Houston."

"Perfect, this is absolutely perfect."

"Unlike that horrible hair style of yours." Tobias snapped at Marco/Bette.

"Excuse you, but you definitely aint got wind beneath those wings. Sistah chile, you might actually want to work out, y'know. It might help."

"Yeah, and your HAIR DYE won't always love you. Girlfriend, you need some tints."

"So says the marijuana addict."

"A marijuana addict with taste in … clothes! Eeew! What is with those ugly shoes?"

And the fighting went on … and on … and on … and on… until Cassie finally escaped from the evil - and perverted - hands of the Aussie kid (who will remain nameless, due to death threats) and came to check up on Marco and Tobias. She found them in the toilets, fighting over who had the best album. She then explained to them that - not to their surprise - divas have a sort of animal instinct to diss everyone's clothes, hair and body parts. A very uncontrollable instinct. Sorta like that of a Taxxons hunger.As soon as Cassie managed to calm Tobias and Marco down, they rushed over to stop the signing which they realized hadn't taken place since Michael Jackson lost his nose under the signing table. They didn't bother doing anything else. They then found Jake and his friend Writz Written in the bar downstairs downing their three thousandth beers. Then they found Rachel and Visser Three making out in the city's jail (apparently, if you have sex in the middle of the roads in Australia you get arrested. Tut tut, such evil laws!). Of course, Ax had joined a club called 'Sharing Heads', which is like the Sharing, only for Aussies.

  


THE END!

**Author's Note: I'm probably going to get slapped with a law suit, a) for the Aussie and Canadian jokes in this story. And b) for that horrible ending (hey, who can blame me? I didn't have enough coke.). About how I dissed Australians and Canadians (not to mention Whitney Houston and Bette Midler) I TRULY apologize if you are offended. I have nothing against Canadians OR Australians (of course there's that girl in my class …). So enjoy the fic. Ciao.**

GEM


End file.
